Only From the Lips of a Police Officer

Just how big were those two beers?

Your life is not my fault.

The handcuffs are tight because they are new. They will stretch out after you wear them awhile.

If you take your hands off the car, I will make your birth certificate a worthless document.

If you run, you will only go to jail tired.

Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?

So, you do not know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on your ticket, huh?

Yes Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I do not think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I AM the shift supervisor?

Warning? You want a warning? Okay, I am warning you not to do that again or I will give you ANOTHER ticket.

The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

Fair?! You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey- poop.

No Sir, we do not have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we are allowed to write as many tickets as we want.

I know, I know, your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center.

I am glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a good friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.

No, I do not think that they should use the electric chair; I think they need to use electric BLEACHERS!

Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and I get the big screen television.

Life is tough; it is tougher when you are stupid.

In God we trust; all other are suspects

Revised 2013 by Larry Gentleman