You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When

  1. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  2. You ski uphill.
  3. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  4. You speed walk in your sleep.
  5. You answer the door before people knock.
  6. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  7. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
  8. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  9. You sleep with your eyes open.
  10. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  11. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
  12. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  13. You lick your coffeepot clean.
  14. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
  15. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse, and you don't even work there.
  16. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  17. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  18. You chew on other people's fingernails.
  19. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  20. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
  21. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
  22. You can jump-start your car without cables.
  23. All your kids are named "Joe."
  24. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
  25. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
  26. You don't sweat, you percolate.
  27. You buy milk by the barrel.
  28. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  29. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
  30. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  31. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  32. People get dizzy just watching you.
  33. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, and I'll have a cup."
  34. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
  35. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  36. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  37. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  38. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
  39. People can test their batteries in your ears.
  40. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  41. Instant coffee takes too long.
  42. You channel surf faster without a remote.
  43. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  44. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  45. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
  46. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
  47. Your Thermos is on wheels.
  48. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  49. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  50. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  51. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  52. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  53. You help your dog chase its tail.
  54. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  55. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  56. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
  57. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Revised 2013 by Larry Gentleman