THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • No one expects you to run a marathon.
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won't wear out.
  • You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  • You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
  • SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

  • You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
  • Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter... Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
  • You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
  • The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
  • You change your underwear after every sneeze.
  • You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
  • SIGNS OF WEAR

  • Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "pick one, I can't do both!"
  • Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
  • A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
  • Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
  • You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
  • You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
  • "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
  • "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
  • An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
  • Revised 2013 by Larry Gentleman