Only in a Hospital

 


A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart,"
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large letter on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Since that incident, the instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive,"
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


And Finally . . . . . A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB, was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."


Colonoscopy humor

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

  1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
  2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
  3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
  4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
  5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
  6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
  7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
  8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
  9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
  10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
  11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
  12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
  13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
Revised 2013 by Larry Gentleman