Actual Instructions on Consumer Products

On a Sear's hairdryer:

Do not use while sleeping.
damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my Hair)

On a bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap:

Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how???

On some Swanson frozen dinners:

Serving suggestion: Defrost
(but, it's just a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert

(printed on bottom): Do not turn upside down.
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)

On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding:

Product will be hot after heating.
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

Do not iron clothes on body.
(but wouldn't this save me more time)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:

Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:

For indoor or outdoor use only.
(as opposed to...what)

On a Japanese food processor:

Not to be used for the other use.
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:

Warning: contains nuts.
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
(Step 3: maybe, Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Revised 2013 by Larry Gentleman