The Things we Experience

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I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

  1. Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
  2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
  3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
  4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
  6. I always know God won't give me more than I can handle but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
  7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 
  8. If the shoe a pair in every color.
  9. Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
  10. Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  13. Some days are a total waste of makeup. 
  14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  21. Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!

The difference between the Pope and your boss... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will.


He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunkydunk."

The early bird still has to eat worms.

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Gal In Leather Clothes

When a woman wears a leather dress A man's heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally.... Ever wonder why?

Its Because she smells Like a new Truck

Revised 2013 by Larry Gentleman