A Prayer for us older folks and some of life's lessons we have learned.

Senility Prayer:

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

  1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
  3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
  4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
  6. If all is not lost, where is it?
  7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
  9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
  10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
  11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
  12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
  14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
  16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
  17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Here are some more recent contributions to the things I have learned.

  • You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
  • No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
  • It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
  • You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
  • You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
  • You can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
  • We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
  • 99% of the time when something isn't working in your home, one of your kids did it.
  • The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
  • Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
  • You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
  • The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
  • The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
  • If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-- believe them.
  • Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
  • Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
  • If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
  • Living well really is the best revenge.
  • Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you
  • Work is good, but it's not that important.
  • And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Revised 2013 by Larry Gentleman