Wise words from Andy Rooney on things he learned in life.

These are written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much, with so few words. Enjoy........

A good sample of his Insight !

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with them.

Below are some wise thoughts from the man

Andy Rooney has the following thoughts on these subjects:

On Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"

On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

on Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? like entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

On Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with them.

About The Man--Quite the Guy

Andy Rooney, whose prickly wit was long a mainstay of CBS News and whose homespun commentary on "60 Minutes," delivered every week from 1978 until 2011, made him a household name, died on Friday in New York City. He was 92.

Andrew Aitken "Andy" Rooney (born January 14, 1919) is an American radio and television writer. He became most famous as a humorist and commentator with his weekly broadcast A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney, a part of the CBS news program 60 Minutes since 1979.

Youth:

Rooney attended The Albany Academy in Albany, New York, and later attended Colgate University in Hamilton in upstate New York, where he was initiated into the Sigma Chi fraternity, until he was drafted into the Army in August 1941. He began his career in newspapers there, writing for Stars and Stripes in the European Theater during World War II. He later published a memoir, My War (1997) about this war reporting. In addition to recounting firsthand several notable historical events and people (like the entry into Paris, the concentration camps, etc), Rooney describes how it shaped his experience both as a writer and reporter.

He admitted to loving football, Christmas, tennis, woodworking and Dwight D. Eisenhower, one of the few politicians who won his approval because, as an Army general during World War II, he had refused to censor Stars and Stripes, the G.I. newspaper for which Mr. Rooney worked. He also claimed to like shined shoes and properly pressed pants and had machines in his office to take care of those functions, although somehow he always managed to look rumpled.

But he was better known for the things he did not like. He railed against "two-prong plugs in a three-prong society," the incomprehensibility of road maps, wash-and-wear shirts "that you can wash but not wear," the uselessness of keys and locks, and outsize cereal boxes that contained very little cereal.

"I don't like any music I can't hum," he grumbled.

He observed that "there are more beauty parlors than there are beauties" and that "if dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one."

In February 1943, flying with the Eighth Air Force, he was one of six correspondents who flew on the first American bombing raid over Germany. Later, he was one of the first American journalists to visit the German concentration camps as World War II wound down, and one of the first to write about them.

CBS career

Rooney joined CBS in 1949, as a writer for Arthur Godfrey's Talent Scouts, when Godfrey was at his peak on CBS radio and TV. The program was a hit, reaching number one in 1952, during Rooney's tenure with the program. He also wrote for Godfrey's daytime radio and TV show Arthur Godfrey Time. He later moved on to The Garry Moore Show, which also became a hit program. During the same period, he also wrote for CBS News public affairs programs such as The 20th Century.

According to CBS News's biography of him, "Rooney wrote his first television essay, a longer-length precursor of the type he does on 60 Minutes, in 1964, "An Essay on Doors." From 1962 to 1968, he collaborated with the late CBS News Correspondent Harry Reasoner ŚRooney writing and producing, Reasoner narrating Ś on such notable CBS News specials as "An Essay on Bridges" (1965), "An Essay on Hotels" (1966), "An Essay on Women" (1967), and "The Strange Case of the English Language" (1968). "An Essay on War" (1971) won Rooney his third Writers Guild Award. In 1968, he wrote two CBS News specials in the series "Of Black America," and his script for "Black History: Lost, Stolen, or Strayed" won him his first Emmy."

A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney

Although originally a regular correspondent, Rooney now has his own "end-of-show" segment, A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney, in which he offers satire on a trivial everyday issue, such as the cost of groceries, annoying relatives, or faulty Christmas presents. Rooney's appearances on A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney often include whimsical lists (e.g., types of milk, bottled water brands, car brands, sports mascots, etc.).

In recent years his segments have become more political, as well. For example, Rooney has become quite critical of George W. Bush and the 2003 Iraq War. Despite being known best for these segments, Rooney has always considered himself a writer who appears on television.

His shorter television essays have been archived in numerous books, such as Common Nonsense, which came out in 2002, and Years of Minutes, released in 2003. He also has a regular syndicated newspaper column that runs in many newspapers in the United States. He has won three Emmy Awards for his essays, which now number close to 1,000. He was also awarded a Lifetime Achievement Emmy.

But he put things in perspective in his 1,097th and last regularly scheduled "60 Minutes" appearance.

"I've done a lot of complaining here," he said then, "but of all the things I've complained about, I can't complain about my life."

Revised 2013 by Larry Gentleman