These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations.

People have a impressive way of expressing themselves with the written word

  • "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
  • "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
  • "I would not allow this employee to breed."
  • "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
  • "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
  • "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
  • "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
  • "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
  • "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
  • "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
  • "This employee should go far--and the sooner he starts, the better."

These are actual lines from military performance appraisals or OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports)

  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
  • A room temperature IQ.
  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
  • A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
  • Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
  • Fell out of the family tree.
  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  • Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  • He's so dense, light bends around him.
  • If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate
  • If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
  • One neuron short of a synapse.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in The July 21,1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.

  • "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
  • "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computer and spreadsheet progroms."
  • "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
  • "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
  • "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
  • "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
  • "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
  • "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
  • "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
  • "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
  • "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
  • "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
  • "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
  • "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
  • "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
  • "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
  • "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
  • "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
  • "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
  • "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
  • "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
  • "Marital status: often. Children: various."
  • "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
  • "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
  • "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
  • "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
Revised 2013 by Larry Gentleman